“To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
Creating a deeply loving and pleasurable relationship is nowhere near as easy as Hollywood pretends. Love is something we have to work at and, as Rilke says, it's actually the most difficult work of all. What's more, love and pleasure feed off each other. Sure, we may experience them as separate courses: trying to sneak a side of pleasure along with a main course of love...but to truly feast on either, we need both. May this short guide inspire you to set the table in your life for an exquisite feast, roll your sleeves up, and get in the kitchen to start cooking.
Step 1: Appreciate
This is it. This moment. This body. This time. It will never come again. Once this moment passes it will forever be in your rear-view mirror. Are you ready to take the wheel of existence in both hands and journey to the land of more empowered love and pleasure? Then buckle in and look around. Learn to appreciate where you are right now.
Imagine you are in a luxurious movie theater with dark-red velvet curtains and plush, comfortable chairs. As you settle in, suddenly on screen—surprise—it’s you! You are the star of your own life story. So are you acting, thinking and feeling like the hero or heroine you’d be compelled to watch? Are you living in a way that elicits your own internal applause?
Look, it’s simple: if you don’t LOVE your life then who the heck ever will? Simple but not easy. Appreciation is a muscle. You need to build it.
Appreciating the present state is the first ninja move to enhancing your love life. No matter what is happening, no matter how many tasks are left undone on your to-do list, even in the face of great difficulties, you EXIST.
You are the result of billions of years of evolutionary intelligence. Your sight is miraculous. Your skin is the highest-tech sensation material ever created. Your brain is a synaptic supercomputer. Your sex is flushed with life-giving heat and mysterious potencies…
Each breath. Each glance. Each step. Never again.
Commit to living your best life and cultivating a deep sense of appreciation. Then bring the overflow to your lover.
Let your skin breathe with gratitude… you’ll be surprised to find how obstacles fall away under your tender, scintillating touch.
There’s a cold chasm that can open in an instant between people, filled with fears and insecurities, uncertainties and hesitations. It’s easy to fall into that yawning gap. Many people are holding back their true feelings. Pretending they’re other than they are, going along with a program, or some pre-approved “date night out.” And then, you’re not authentically there, together. Not really.
You’re clinging to the edge of the pool, watching and waiting for the other to make a move that would prove it’s safe to dive into the depths. But when both of you are waiting for the other to make the first move, you’ll never reach the wonderful seas of empowered love and pleasure.
Pop the floaties and swim across the divide. Who says you’re not supposed to talk about sex, politics or religion? Talk about whatever is burning in your heart and mind. Find out what their real passions are. When you initiate deep, authentic sharing, you’ll find yourself in the luscious realms of true connection.
Try asking her what she’s most afraid to tell you, then listen without judgment. Reveal what you really feel about him, without pressuring him to be your prince charming. Using I-statements will keep you both on track.
Bravely claim your fantasies and your foibles, your wild and wicked ways. But don't just talk! Ritualize the space between you with potent eye gazing. Sexual adventurousness comes second—first you have to undress each other’s hearts and minds. It will be a lot more fun than languishing on the shallow shores of chitchat, and it’s a very, very effective form of foreplay.
The best orgasms come after you’ve wrestled past habitual defenses to the innermost chambers of the soul, witnessing each other’s marvelous and utterly unique light. When you do, you’ll find that, in the bedroom, it’s easier to try something new or break a taboo—because you’re already authentically holding each other. There are hundreds of positions and thousands of possibilities between two souls unfurling in the dance of real intimacy.
And it all begins with you bravely being you.
Step 3: Negotiate
We all have opposing thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. Times that by two in relationship. So of course, we may want different things at different times. What to do?
Schedule a playful-planning party (with drinks and treats). Scheme, dream, and discuss all the luscious possibilities. Write a bunch of options—from the ordinary to the outrageous—on little slips of paper and toss them into a hat or a bowl. Each of you, pick two, then watch which ones makes you both light up. Pay close attention. If it’s not a win/win it’s not the right choice.
Would a movie and a bowl of popcorn be the ideal date? A mutual massage session? Or maybe a reservation at that hot new restaurant in town? How about a dance class? A hike? You don’t have to make it a surprise but don’t just ask, “What do you want to do tonight?” This is your chance to create a memorable night together. What indelible page in the book of your love life are you going to write tonight?
Powerful lovers know how to negotiate, creating the contexts for mutually satisfying (and sexy) scenarios.
Music relies on the law of sympathetic resonance. Pluck a string on a guitar or piano and every other note subtly vibrates. Otherwise, the music would sound hollow, thin.
The trick here is to hold your own note and, at the same time, vibrate with your lover’s. Don’t try to fix, placate, change or mitigate. Anchor yourself in yourself while reaching into your lover’s experience.
For some, hearing your lover’s note comes more easily (they may even forget to listen to their own inner tone). For others, this will take practice. Either way, if you don’t sympathetically resonate, both with yourself and your lover, you won’t be able to tap more powerful pleasures.
There’s a technique taught to actors who want to learn improvisation. You have to meet whatever the other person says on stage with a: “Yes and….” If you’re pushing your plan, angsty about your agenda, the scene falls flat (and it’s not fun). Say Yes to whatever your partner’s experiencing, even if it’s not what you would have wanted. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to agree to everything they’re requesting. A firm but loving No can be just as juicy as a Yes—and a Yes that’s a lie is icky.
Resonance is a surefire technology for exponentially increasing love and pleasure. If she’s angry, let yourself reflect that state with a respectful “I get you’re upset.” Is he in need of a little reassurance? Shine your loving understanding into his eyes, touching him in a way that tells him, “I’ve got you.” If your lover isn’t feeling the love—trust me, they’d rather not be feeling that way either! Remember, if you meet them where they are, you’re much more likely to lead them back to the land of love.
What you resist not only persists, it pisses on the smoldering fires of pleasure. Cultivate your ability to resonate or risk losing intimacy on this and every other potentially enchanting night.
When you meet what’s happening with a generous openness, you’ll find that logistical mishaps or emotional storms more easily pass. Resonance requires that you put aside your idea of how things should go and melt into the flow of what is unfolding. Holding each like this is hot AF.
To consecrate something sets it apart, ritualizes it, makes it holy. But we are living in a time where, all too often, nothing is sacred. Maybe that’s because a lot of what’s considered holy (at least, by organized religion) is really just a lie to make humans into sinners. Let’s reclaim the power of ritualizing and sanctifying our own lives, in our own temple-bodies.
Spirit means breath and that's the fastest way into the temple. With awareness and intentionality—and lots of breath—you can tap into a temple in time for making love, where no manipulation, shame, or unconsciousness slips in. That’s one reason Venus Matters was born. Unfurling a Venus Mat is a perfect way to set the stage for a safe, respectful encounter and for overflowing, uninhibited pleasure.
Author and coach David Deida claims that women really want to be f*cked to God. We agree. Maybe that’s why orgasms in French are called le petite mort, the little death—because, in them, we touch the majesty and miracle of existence and an exquisite annihilation of separateness. We become one with God and each other.
Let sex become your shared, hot & holy prayer.
Step 6: Satiate
When you play this deep, the path is paved to profound love and pleasure. But please don’t rush to the finish line. Slow…way…down.
Rest easy, knowing you’ve cultivated exquisite connection. Relish it. Swim in it.
You’ve expanded your gratitude. You’ve sparked deep revelations and reached across the great divides. You’ve made mutually satisfying plans. You’re resonating with each other like two well-tuned violin strings, vibrating together in your temple bodies.
If you sincerely follow these steps, a red-hot intimacy naturally follows. And when you consistently keep this beautiful behavior up, you’ll find your partner accessible, excited, ripe to your touch.
Then you’ll be cultivating the deep, true love you so richly deserve. And that is the basis of the most powerful pleasure.
Satiation is the sweet condensation of a life well lived and well loved. In this delicious state, your deepest desires are more easily met because you’re giving more than you ever thought possible.
To your unending delight!
Founder & CEO